A huge part of me feel guilty for not writing as I have the typical BPD need to ‘please’ the readers of my blog by churning out post after post.
I guess that the feeling ties in with my long-established habit of ensuring that everyone else’s needs were satisfied before mine. An unhealthy habit that still pervades my Life in many ways; one I’m becoming better at in balancing.
After I resigned from my job, I literally spent 6 months hiding from the world. It took that long for me to physically and mentally recover from both my personal and work related exhaustions. Do I regret resigning and taking that hard financial knock? In how many languages can I say ‘No?!?’
Recovery was pretty slow and now I realise just how exhausted I had been. I spent the first two months sleeping and waking. Watching Series after Series – Bones, Castle, Ghost Whisperer, Sanctuary, Warehouse 13, Vampire Diaries, etcetera.
I am sure my muscles were starting to atrophy during that time period. My butt was certainly not happy at my couch potato mentality.
As the months passed, my interest in things other than watching mindless series awakened within me. Sevae Unplugged was born. Cleaning out my closets, throwing out things I have hoarded for so long took place when my energy levels were up and the Hurts I still feel had eased up a teeny-tiny bit.
I still felt exhausted, but the Stress I had experienced during the days I was working, was almost non-existent. Yep, I am definitely not cut out for a closed-minded boss or for the corporate world.
December found me spending three days with my sis. It was then, as I watched her, that I started feeling the first Stirrings of my Soul. There were ‘stuff’ that needed a fixin’ and it was time to pull out some fixin’ tools.
A week or so later, I found myself staring out of the window into my garden. I have not taken care of it for 6 months and during that time it had turned into a Jungle containing unshapely trees, half dead shrubs and plants vying for space to grow.
Looking at the mess, I decided to commit myself to the Huge Project of turning my Jungle into something less chaotic. I found my days taken up by cutting back, deadheading, trimming, sawing, shaping and hacking.
It is almost a month since I started this project; my muscles have a good ache to them at night; and to my surprise, I am still having fun (I bore easily :P) out there.
To see how the chaos that was my garden is slowly being replaced by simple beauty such as birds hopping from branch to branch tweeting away and dappled sunlight caught in the spaces I have created, affords me a feeling of Peace and Accomplishment.
To end this post, toward the end of February, while working in the garden, another thought hit me. The next day, I walked into a store that purchased gold and I sold my wedding bands . A chapter in my Book of Life closed.
Something within me is slowly changing and growing. I can feel it.
Love, Light, Magic and Joy to all.