stuff need a fixin’

My writing has slowed dramatically over the past few months.  Even though there are things I have wanted to write about, the wish to sit down and do so seem to have gone into hibernation.  

A huge part of me feel guilty for not writing as I have the typical BPD need to ‘please’ the readers of my blog by churning out post after post.

I guess that the feeling ties in with my long-established habit of ensuring that everyone else’s needs were satisfied before mine.  An unhealthy habit that still pervades my Life in many ways; one I’m becoming better at in balancing.

After I resigned from my job, I literally spent 6 months hiding from the world.  It took that long for me to physically and mentally recover from both my personal and work related exhaustions.  Do I regret resigning and taking that hard financial knock? In how many languages can I say ‘No?!?’

Recovery was pretty slow and now I realise just how exhausted I had been.  I spent the first two months sleeping and waking.  Watching Series after Series – Bones, Castle, Ghost Whisperer, Sanctuary, Warehouse 13, Vampire Diaries, etcetera.

I am sure my muscles were starting to atrophy during that time period. My butt was certainly not happy at my couch potato mentality.

As the months passed, my interest in things other than watching mindless series awakened within me.  Sevae Unplugged was born.  Cleaning out my closets, throwing out things I have hoarded for so long took place when my energy levels were up and the Hurts I still feel had eased up a teeny-tiny bit.

I still felt exhausted, but the Stress I had experienced during the days I was working, was almost non-existent. Yep, I am definitely not cut out for a closed-minded boss or for the corporate world.

December found me spending three days with my sis.  It was then, as I watched her, that I started feeling the first Stirrings of my Soul.  There were ‘stuff’ that needed a fixin’ and it was time to pull out some fixin’ tools.

A week or so later, I found myself staring out of the window into my garden.  I have not taken care of it for 6 months and during that time it had turned into a Jungle containing unshapely trees, half dead shrubs and plants vying for space to grow.

Looking at the mess, I decided to commit myself to the Huge Project of turning my Jungle into something less chaotic.  I found my days taken up by cutting back, deadheading, trimming, sawing, shaping and hacking.

It is almost a month since I started this project; my muscles have a good ache to them at night; and to my surprise, I am still having fun (I bore easily :P) out there.

To see how the chaos that was my garden is slowly being replaced by simple beauty such as birds hopping from branch to branch tweeting away and dappled sunlight caught in the spaces I have created,  affords me a feeling of  Peace and Accomplishment.

To end this post, toward the end of February, while working in the garden, another thought hit me.  The next day, I walked into a store that purchased gold and I sold my wedding bands .  A chapter in my Book of Life closed.

Something within me is slowly changing and growing.  I can feel it.

Love, Light, Magic and Joy to all.

Sevae

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6 responses to “stuff need a fixin’

  1. The Quiet Borderline

    Good for you.
    Sounds like it’s been one heck of a journey for you.

    I am glad that you have come out of your shell and back in to the world.

    I wish you well,

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

    • Thank You. As I was writing this post, what really struck me is the ability for the human mind and body to take so much battering and still survive. I read your posts and I am amazed. Your daily batterings… In my head I would be saying ‘Dont give up!’ and when you were at the mall with all those noisy kids behind you, I was cheering this side, saying ‘Yay!’

      Stay strong QB 🙂

      S

  2. The Quiet Borderline

    Thank you S 🙂

    You stay strong and keep up the strength too. Then we have a deal!

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

  3. I so know what you mean with all of this, I get very stressed out if I can’t write a blog post – needing to make sure I keep my readers happy with the daily posts they have come to expect! Like you it is about always putting everyone else first, ahead of me. And the couch potato watching TV shows back to back, done that too! I keep going back into little spells of that over and again – I watched all 3 seasons of the United States of Tara back to back recently (you should watch it if you can get hold of it, it’s great! Tara has DID and so much of it resonates – I had too download it online as I couldn’t get hold of it over here as it’s an american show that has been discontinued).

    Congratulations on the garden project, I hope it continues to occupy you as I also know about the getting bored easily bit, things that were once beloved activities can suddenly become something you would never do again once you bore of them 😦

    I hope the new growth and change continues and you continue to get happier 🙂 Keep up the good work, much love xx

    • Shar,

      I just googled the United States of Tara! Oh my word, I must find a way to get it! Our internet is capped here, so it will be slow going. I just read the Pilot episode and I can already imagine how crazy the household can get living with someone who has three other personalities. Sticking this on my “Things to Do List”

      As for this Project… I am really loving it. I keep looking at it and have itchy fingers to get the shears. Today is my day off. This project is like getting excercise and loosing weight in a pretty fun sorta way

      *hugs*

      S

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