Doing this ‘About Me’ has so far have been the most difficult post to write. As I scroll down, the images fill me with vivid emotion. To add to this, I am scared witless to post this as it completely exposes me and I am left open to judgement.
Looking back to the year 2007, unbeknown to me, my feet were placed on a Path that has brought me the most Incredible Joy and Pain that I have ever experienced during my 43 years on this earth.
2007 & 2008
I lived my life as I always did, smoking 40 a day, drinking my drink of choice, Johnnie Walker Red label, neat. And, trust me it took 1/2 a bottle to get me to the point of passing out. I lived my life in solitude, no friends, and no contact with my family, no children, and no pets, no spirituality, and no job/career (I was lucky to afford to do this as I received a monthly alimony)
All that was important to me was that my PC worked and that I had access to the internet. It was around August of 2007 that I discovered WoTmud – a game based on my favourite series of books. The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. I was ecstatic! How little did I know how much this step would change my life. So I gamed, I drank, I smoked and only left the house for more cigarettes and alcohol. Toward the end of 2007, I met someone on this game – (let’s call him ‘M’) and he became my Mentor, my Confidant, my Love, my Addiction. But perhaps eventually more about this as I post on this site.
2009 I would describe as the hell year of my life.
January found me confronted with the fact that I had fallen in Love with a married man. The Hurt, Pain and Fury I felt was incredible. I was comforted by my buddy Johnnie. March 1st, I started my first job since 2004 – working at a newly started company that did medical coding and billing for doctors. March 18th confronted me with a malignant cancer of the hard palate due to my earlier lifestyle, which included regular bouts of bulimia. April greeted me with my ex-husband wanting to sever having to pay me a maintenance and this is truly cutting a long story short.
May 29th I had a heart attack and by this stage I was a complete emotional wreck. Through all of this, I willingly accepted to go on the roller-coaster of my affair and I started seeing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. By the end of 2009, I had stopped smoking, my weight had started increasing due to the lack of nicotine, my drinking was sporadic as I had an emotional crutch, namely ‘M’ who saw me through all of my horrors.
I suffered from constant panic attacks as I tried to adapt to the fact that I was NOT having a heart attack with every ache or pain in my chest. ER saw a lot of me that year. I went from zero drugs to becoming a walking pharmacy (chemist). Heart meds, Psych meds, anti panic attack meds, sleeping meds – I was popping pills every day and I hated it. The end of 2009 going into 2010 all of this mess surrounded me and I was feeling the exhaustion of my Life. I still was not aware that I had BPD and just placed my foot one in front of the other, popping pills to stay sane – going to work an emotional disaster, going home, still roller-coasting in my Love Life.
2010 & 2011
November 2010, through mutual desperation, ‘M’ and I agreed that we needed time out. He himself, had slowly started walking his own Journey and we could not be the support we once were for one another. December 2010 I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a mental institution for three weeks. It was here that I first heard the word Borderline Personality Disorder from Lou. It was here that I found myself at the bottom of my hell hole, for the first time realising that I needed to deal with all the crap that surrounded me.
Sometime in 2010 I had started a private Word Press blog. It was on this blog that I screamed and raged and cursed and railed against every single person and deity that had caused this deep pain within me. I also used the game to release so much anger. I hurt many people during this stage…
I spent six months reading up on everything about BPD, about serotonin and neurons, about the frontal lobes and amygdala. I devoured the information all the while feeding myself Love via cookies and chocolates. I was still not smoking but, I had started to drink again. I was starting to see how I had, without realising it, damaged my Core. Aside from my therapists, I had no one to speak with on this. I still had no friends, no spirituality, etc. All I knew was my private blog and my occasional connection with ‘M’ – which did neither of us any good.
In June of 2011, I reached a point in my life where I craved to connect and I wanted more than just survive what remained of my Life. And, so I walked out on my job. Was it one of those BPD moments? Yes and no. The only things I regret with that decision is the drop in income and the fact that this re-enforced my solitude. By July 2011 I finally knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my Life. I want to help others. But I know that I cannot fully do so unless I first help myself.
So here I am, blogging my ups and downs. In a sense, my Life is fuller than what it was in 2009 or the years before that. I am still surrounded by so much crap, but knowing who I was, has helped me understand who I want to be.